The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I am one with the molecules
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
