Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
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He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
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Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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