Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
