I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
