my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Enjoy the penises
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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