I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
