You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
