Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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