I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
