Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
