So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We left the knife in your bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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