there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This is the high leading the old right now
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
