This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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