Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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