So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
