Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
