I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
