I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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