so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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