Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
