On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I need water and some morals
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
