My Higher Power is John Stamos
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
