Barsexuality is the new black.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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