I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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