It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
