I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
sex in a hospital.. check
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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