Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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