im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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