People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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