Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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