so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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