got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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