I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
