i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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