I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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