my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
