I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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