guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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