I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
