you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
