My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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