I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
