Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
