I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
