Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
