You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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