He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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