do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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