Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
