Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize