This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
