My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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