If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize