He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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