You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
